I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me…

A phrase known to women (and men!) across the world. In probably one of the most memorable and amazing episodes of Sex and the city, came the breakup that was felt everywhere.

This wasn’t because Carrie and Berger were a great couple! Quite frankly he was annoying as hell from day one. No, this breakup captured attention from the SATC fans because whether watching it then, or rewatching now, it still stings a little too close to home for many of us. After seeing this episode again recently, it got me thinking about the way Berger ends things (if you can call it that). Breaking up is always hard, but leaving a message on a post-it, is even worse. There is however, a modern-day way to be dumped, which stings even more than this.

Most people nowadays have heard of Ghosting. It’s a lovely way of saying your goodbyes to someone; in that you don’t say goodbye at all. One day the person you matched with on tinder, the guy or girl you’ve been on a few dates with, or even more shockingly someone you are in a relationship with decides that the best way to let you know it’s over, is to completely ignore you. They pretend that your messages don’t exist, your calls go unheard; until eventually you get the memo (or post it) and finally give up. Ghosting is something that happens regularly. With so many forms of messaging apps available, it makes it even easier to do it. Whilst I’m sure nearly all of us have been on the receiving end of a ghost, rather than talking to those who have experienced it. I wanted to remind anyone who has done it, is currently doing it or making plans to ghost, fully aware of exactly how you make a person feel with your actions. There are many thoughts and feelings that you go through as someone you care for, decides you aren’t worthy of a talk to end things maturely. So for all you ghosts out there, it’s time to come back to the land of living and grow a pair!

Not only do you make a person feel as if they are being dramatic, or crazy for starting to over think why you couldn’t possibly be replying, slowly but surely a voice in their mind creeps in and brings a million thoughts and insecurities to the surface. Whether they start to question if they might have said something or done something to make you ignore them, or they recap over the last time you were together, to think back exactly how it went. No matter what, it gets into their head that it is somehow their fault, and those thoughts are hard to shake.

Some people Ghost because they think it will be easier, less hurtful and simpler. At least that is what they must tell themselves. But the reality is that when you ghost someone, you are telling them that they don’t mean anything to you. They don’t deserve honesty, a mature conversation or even a text saying “I’m done”. Feeling as though you mean nothing to someone you cared about and spent time with, it hurts in a way that can’t easily be described. Thoughts rush through your head at all times of the day.

‘Did I say something, I shouldn’t? 

It has to be me. But what it is?

‘I thought you cared, just a little.’

‘Did you mean anything you said at all?’

Of course if you’ve only been talking for a few days, you haven’t actually dated yet or really got to know each other; sometimes things naturally fizzle out. Even after a first date, that perhaps you both realise isn’t going further, it is understandable that there may be nothing more to say. But when it occurs after a few weeks or months, I find it completely bizarre that people believe this is acceptable. Women and men are both guilty of ghosting, and I find it completely selfish. So if you think it’s easier to ignore someone, because you don’t know how they will react, or you don’t want to hurt them. Just know that they are going to hurt. They are hurting ten times worse than they would have from whatever you couldn’t say. Without having closure, a conversation, or a message; that person will truly believe that it’s all their fault it ended. They believe they could have done more, been more, they believe it is them. Just because you didn’t see them cry, doesn’t mean they didn’t shed tears, just because you didn’t give them the chance to say how they feel, doesn’t mean they don’t have the urge to tell you and subsequently feel pathetic for wanting to reach out to you. If you have Ghosted someone, you are the one who is at fault. You are the one that needs to question what you could have done differently and you are the one who should feel bad, because you took the easy route for yourself. If you want a pat on the back, or someone to sugarcoat it for you, I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me.

For anyone who has experienced it, I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt. But there is something wonderful that happens after you go through it. You become stronger, you learn more about yourself. Yes, it may leave you with a bigger guard up, but take comfort in the fact that you have nothing to be sorry for. You also will appreciate the people in your life, that are always there for you and one day you will find someone who truly deserves your heart.